How is it that Michael Lohan continues to shock us? We know he’s the creepiest creep who ever creeped among creepazoids, yet every time he takes his creepiness a step further we’re all, “WTF, Mike?” Today’s creepy goings-on involve Michael writing a personal letter to Lindsay—and publishing it in In Touch. According to Contact Music:

His letter, published in the new issue of In Touch, begins with an apology for “the pain and inner turmoil that I am responsible for, for being away in prison or getting divorced from Mom.”

Calling Lindsay “my blessed daughter,” the born-again Christian adds, “I have held your vacant body in my arms, felt the tears fall down your face, and I tried every way to make you see what is happening to you.

“I have helped so many others ’successfully,’ Linds, please, Honey, let me help you. Let me help you get your life back so that you can build it to where you once were.”

He concludes by writing, “God bless us all in this time of need. I hope and pray to hold ‘my Lindsay’ in my arms once again. Soon. Love Dad.”

So what’s Michael Lohan’s next step? Obviously he’s going to start a talk show with a cardboard cutout of Lindsay as his guest host. And every time he asks her a question and is met with a blank, papery stare instead of the Kelly Ripa-like exuberance that he’s hoping for, he’ll say, “See! See what that evil witch Dina has done to my daughter? She’s so drugged out she can’t even respond to her daddy’s questions.” And then he’ll throw his arms around her, crushing her fake frame into jagged folds and sob, “Why, Lindsay? Why won’t you let me help you? We can film your whole recovery and make millions! I mean, we can help millions of people. Don’t you want to help people?”